I have hated 2017. There have been so many bad things. It has been exhausting. I have felt defeated, disappointed, angry, useless, discounted, fat, and ugly. I have lost at parenting. I have lost at wifing. I have lost at being responsible with our money, I have lost at being healthy. I have lost at loving people well. And, mostly, I’ve lost at having direction.
This has been a rough year for parenting. A lot of my insecurities actually came to reality this year. God has never humbled me more. I have apologized to my mom a bazillion times because I realized how I made her feel all those years ago. I apologized to my stepmom for how rude I was to her. And I gave up as a parent this summer and just kinda coexisted in my house. It was a nightmare.
I am so sad for the hurt, emptiness, and loss these girls won’t realize their choices at this age can cause long-term. I keep thinking “OMG! If you would just listen to me, I’ve been there, I know where these choices lead!!!” It’s frustrating because we finally think we’ve gotten to the bottom of something, then, oh no, we find a whole other set of lies and secrets. It’s exhausting!!
I have put my wall up with my husband, therefore, cannot be the wife I need to be. In our rough spring and summer, we were completely pitted against each other. I was so angry at him. I was super checked out. But I still am not totally checked in. Tomorrow is 7 years of marriage. I feel like this has been the hardest year yet. Jake said “If we managed to survive this year, we’ll make it through anything.” I agree, but it’s still not over.
I love my husband. One of the things I love about him is his confidence. He has amazing determination and can and will do anything he sets his mind to. I’m such a quitter that I really admire that about him. He’s a great example of drive and determination. But it also makes me crazy. Like, maybe you could try someone else’s way? Maybe I can be right? (this isn’t really how he is, just my insecurities that I feel much less than to him) Maybe you can show your love to me in a way that I can actually feel it?
I have always been a roller coaster with my weight. It’s so gross. I get rid of my fat clothes when I lose weight, and think “I’ll NEVER get back up to that size again… EVER!” Then….a year or so later…. I know what to do. I miss running. I miss eating clean. I miss drinking water constantly. I miss getting up early to go work out. But I dread actually doing any of this. I started a weight loss challenge at 165lbs. My goal is usually about 150-155. That’s a manageable weight for me. I was 174 before the challenge was over. Now I’m 183. GO ME! 😦 My fat clothes are so tight. Nothing fits. I just look like a busted can of biscuits all the time. I hate myself.
We had a ton of big expenses and medical bills come up within a 6-weeks period of time, after a big vacation too. That’s been rough. We’ve had to really figure out getting expenses paid off. But then I like to spend. I still like new clothes. I still want my route 44 water from Sonic. I still like my Wednesday morning Chick-Fil-A breakfasts to prepare for BSF. I like to buy presents for people (gifts are my love language). I like my lunches with girlfriends. I want to live like we make twice as we do, even if we’re broke as a joke and owe people money. Dave Ramsey would be shaking his head at me. Jake and I haven’t really fought about money in our marriage, but boy howdy…. I REALLY struggle with this.
I do not like being out of control, as much time as I’ve spent being out of control. The more things are out of control in my life, the more I try to control things. I couldn’t control my teenager, but I could choose to eat all that I wanted. I couldn’t control how my husband felt about me, but I could choose to go shop shop shop. It’s complete insanity.
It has been such a horrific year. I don’t know how we survived it as a family. I don’t know how I survived it to still be married.
But, God.
God took me into something I never ever thought I could do. And I love it. I stepped into leadership in BSF. I love everything about being a leader and I seriously adore the ladies in my group.
God healed so many things in my marriage by bringing out these horrible weaknesses. God showed me He put me in this family for a reason, I don’t get to quit on them. God showed me how to be a partner in life with my mate. God reminded me so many reasons of why I love my husband.
God removed so many commitments from my life. I was so overwhelmed with the stress. I couldn’t pick what to step away from or even see that I had too much going on. One by one, he removed everything except work and BSF from my schedule. It has been such an amazing blessing.
God kept me sober through all of this. Today, 1,166 days of sobriety. If I didn’t drink through this nightmare of a year……well I won’t say that because I need to take it one day at a time. But 1,166 one days at a time. I’m so thankful that I didn’t run to alcohol in the midst of crisis.
As glad as I am to be done with 2017, the reality is that I’m not going to wake up in 2018 with a completely fresh start that just will wipe the slate clean. I will still have a difficult teenager, clothes that are incredibly tight, money struggles, a very defiant attitude, a very not perfect marriage….but I need to have a new perspective. If I keep trying to do all of this on my own, you know the insanity thing, expecting different results, aren’t I basically saying that God isn’t in control? That He isn’t big enough to handle me and my problems? In 2018, I want my life to say that all these horrible things have happened/are happening, and God was in control of her life through it all. Like the song says “Through it all, through it all my eyes are on you…..it is well, with me.”
Praying for peace and comfort for you as you step into a new year with your same life. Prayers that you too can trust God and let Him rule in your life. 🙂 Good riddance to 2017, and bring it on 2018!!
Love, Loss, and Life 